Fighting for the girl in the mirror, and loving every version of her, has never been harder for me than it is right now. I’ve felt so lost and unrecognizable since turning 25. In my youthful naivete I thought I’d have my life completely figured out by now. I don’t and that’s scary. I’ve also had to face the fact that I don’t even know what I want my life to look like next week much less forever. Hell, even the concept of “forever” seems like too much pressure for me right now. Too much commitment.
In the midst of my confusion I’ve let myself forget who I I am, and what I love about me. I’m just now starting to remember. It’s been so hard to accept that the woman I thought I’d be isn’t the woman I have become.. In many ways I’m better than her, but the ideals of my youth have had a grip on my spirit. Learning to accept “me” ain’t easy, but it’s been necessary.
What started as a childhood thought, I allowed to grow into this image of my future life. It wasn’t fair to me then (putting pressure on myself to “become” this idealistic version of myself), and it isn’t fair to me now. I find myself always reminding myself that I don’t have to have the things I thought I would to be happy where I’m at. Maybe those things were never meant for me. Maybe I’m destined for greater.
This is my daily mantra–sometimes minute-by-minute mantra, which is ‘Love Yourself.’ Learn to love yourself. And stay in this moment. This moment right here is where your power is.
RuPaul
One day the reminders will set in fully. For now I’m taking it day by day and learning to love myself at all the stages. I never used to understand when my mom would tell me, “I loved you at every age, and I love you now.” It never really resonated with me until recently. I have to love all the old Jacobi’s to fully love the one now. The the version of me that was idealistic, the version of me I envisioned, the version of me that was naive, all of the versions of myself that have led me to this moment in time. (It’s not a word but y’all get it). Most importantly I have to love the version of myself I didn’t see coming. She’s pretty damn awesome too and worthy to be loved.
In my most powerful season, the present, I affirm:
- I am whole
- I give and receive love with equal enthusiasm and measure
- I love the woman I am, and accept the woman I am becoming
- I attract good and positive things
- I am living MY truth
- My power never diminishes, just pulls from a different source
Self-acceptance is a journey with no set destination. Self-love comes along the way. I do think both are vital to maintaining your happiness and growing into who you’re meant to be. There is nothing wrong with not knowing what you want right now, and there is no shame in changing your mind or pivoting in a new direction. You’re human, and this is all part of the human experience.
– Jacobi <3